Smallville meets West Side Story
by lifeluver
Summary: Product of my insanity. Not for fainthearted. just read


**Disclaimer- I don't own Smallville, any of the characters, Sam Jones the Third, or the one line I used from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Or West Side Story.**.

**A/N- **Okay, before anybody reads this, er, story, they should read this. I LOVE SMALLVILLE! And I love Clark and Lex and Lana and Chloe, and Lois. Oh, and I love Sam Jones the Third too. Er, and Lionel. This could continue for a while. No, truly I do. And once you read this you'll probably bet thinking, wat was that girl on when she wrote this? And it's insane, but I hope you like it.

PILOT

"Yes Clark! Oh! That's amazing!" Lana screamed from the locked bedroom in downtown Smallville.

"Er, one second Lana, I'll be right back."

Clark runs to the bathroom naked. "Damnit!" he whispers. "What is wrong with you? Get up! For god's sake I'm a superhero! You're gonna make me look bad… Don't I have a superpower for great erections? Well I should."

He was interrupted by a high pitched shriek. He opened the bathroom door to see men in leather jackets closing in on Lana. All of a sudden she went into kung fu mode and attacked. Clark sighed and went back to muttering angrily about his uncooperative penis.

Lana continued to beat up/ kill everyone who came near her for about 5 minutes. "Whoa. That was fun." Then Clark recklessly superspeeded towards her. "Clark! How ever did you-" but she was interrupted by the one living gang member managing to stand up and gently tap her on her head. Lana immediately passed out.

"Not again. Damn. I wonder where Chloe is…" So Clark carefully climbs over the many bodies in his room and walked out the door.

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Clark walked down the dark empty street in search of Chloe and trying to avoid his arch rival Lex Jones the Third. Lex was the head of another gang in the same area as Clark and they were constantly fighting each other. Well their gangs were. Clark stood and occasionally ripped off his shirt for no apparent reason and Lex Jones the Third looked thoughtfully off into the distance.

"Clark! Clarkie Clark! OMG I haven't seen you in forever! How've you been? Do you got the stuff? Cuz I got money Clarkie! Lotsa money! And I want lotsa crack for my lotsa money!" Chloe bounced her way into Clark's way.

_Geez. Damn that chick has some sort of eternal high_. In a slow voice Clark replied, "I've got the stuff. Take deep breaths." Chloe giggled and continued jumping.

Clark slowly reached into his pocket and gave Chloe her share and then walked away. _No fucking her tonight. She's way too… bouncy. It'd just be uncomfortable. Who else is there…Maybe my mom-_ But before Clark could finish that idea he heard a yell from a fellow gang member. "Uh-oh!" He grabbed his heroin stash and shot up quickly. "Don't worry! Clark Kent save yo ass!" he yelled as he 'flew' over to his man.

When he reached him he realized the situation was grave. His guy had started singing. And it was a slow ballad. It was his last song. As the man died Clark snapped his fingers one last time in honor of the man. Then he set off to find the man who did this. Lex Jones the Third.

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When Lana Lang woke up in her semi-boyfriend's apartment her head hurt. "Oh God. What happened? I remember I was fucking Clark…then…? I better go to the doctor! This could be serious!"

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Clark ran through the empty streets determind to give Lex Jones the Third what he deserved. He reached a crosswalk with the stop signal flaring at him. "Damnit." He pushed the button. Nothing happened. He pushed it again and again. Still nothing. "One of these days they will make one of these things that detect urgency!"

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As Clark waited impatiently to be allowed to cross the deserted street Lana pulled into the hospital and got checked out. The doctor came out holding her file. "Well Ms. Lang, it seems that you have suffered from temporary amnesia."

"Again? Oh, well that's okay."

"Actually, I should be congratulating you. You have made it into the Guiness Book of World Records for the most times one person has been in the hospital!"

"Really? Oh that's amazing!"

"Truly. You undoubtedly have some kind of brain damage from being hit in the head so many times.

"Yeah. That's what my parents said when I was three. Before they died. And what my first boyfriend said before he died. And my aunt before she abandoned me because she wanted to fuck her boyfriend……"

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Clark had given up on that street corner and taken a detour. Now he was lost. He heard his dead fathers ghostly voice "Why didn't you ask for directions Clark? Why?"

"Shut up! I am not lost! THIS IS A SHORTCUT I TELL YOU! And while we're at it, could you please, PLEASE set an example for this town and STAY FUCKING DEAD? Just for a little while."

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**A/N well, that's my first smallville story. I hope you… well like is a bad word for it… um, enjoyed it? Lol. It was fun to write, and I do love smallville I just thought this was kind of funny. I hope It didn't offend anyone. Please Read and review. I might make it a story.**


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